Sharing a baby with someone you no longer share your heart with – The reality

Firstly, It’s good to be back here writing and sharing my journey with you all. 

I took a kind of ‘break’ from writing because I wanted to write  from authenticity not just hurt and confusion. I always want to give readers the real, raw and honest truth without it being based entirely upon my personal feelings. Thank you for being patient.

One of the biggest parts of my journey is most definitely sharing my daughter with her father, now I no longer share my heart with him. It’s been one of the hardest things, having to put my heartbreak aside for the sake of my daughter. I know people say “ when you become a mum you instantly stop being selfish”, for all other areas this was true but this co-parenting journey has been HARD. We are only human, we can’t be perfect at handling every area of motherhood correctly, we can only give it our best.

I hated that I didn’t have time to adjust to being a single woman with a child, while I still loved him and ached for our family to be together. That’s where I was selfish because if it was to be together, my daughter would’ve suffered much more then the suffering you assume they experience in a “broken home”.

Yes, that dreaded “broken home” stereotype, the one you assume raises damaged children, the one you assume everyone looks down on and judges. Well let me tell you, that is far from true. In fact, people will respect you more for acknowledging that sometimes two people work better apart then together and in that case, children always benefit.

Sometimes being together does more harm then good.

The biggest hurdle was establishing how to share her when I felt so entitled, I didn’t want to be without her or for her to have a step-mum one day who will get to share all her wonderful happy moments. I know it sounds selfish but like I said, we can’t do everything perfectly. Because of this, there was moments I made co-parenting extremely difficult, I was the problem and sadly the only person it affected was our daughter.

There were times she would hold a photo of her dad and say “dadada”, she would hug his photo and look for him. I didn’t realise how much a 8-9 month old could feel and be affected by. Whenever she did see him, she only saw me argue, be bitter and negative. She saw her dad fight for her but me do everything to fight against it.

I had to see that, I had to witness my selfishness in action for me to know enough was enough.

One major thing I learned was important is communication- I felt so annoyed that for 6 days a week I was trying to juggle everything alone, I had to carry this 21lbs baby everywhere, manage a work & motherhood balance, have no emotional support from her father and just feel truly alone. I thought, “why should I co-parent when I do it alone, he don’t deserve it”.

The issue was that, he never even knew I needed help, I was wrong and strong. I was wrong for assuming just because I do so much alone, that he wasn’t deserving of his rights when he so badly wanted them.

One thing my child’s father is NOT is a “deadbeat” and once communicated, he knew I also needed help and support at times. We had to install boundaries but we also worked on being active and equal parents, something which helped blossom a respectful parenting friendship.

This was when my true healing began.

Seeing how much my daughter thrives off of us supporting our parenting choices, being civil, equal and accepting of our new situation, was what made all the difference. She loves her mum and she loves her dad, it was no longer my place to inflict my heartbreak on her, it was never my place to begin with and I regret it wholeheartedly. 

There are so many books and online gurus that try to tell you how to co-parent, I don’t want to do that because I can most definitely say that nobody can tell you how to heal through something so new and major. It’s one of those personal, life-changing things that will be different for everyone. All I can do is share my experience in hope it makes another’s seem less daunting and lonely. It does get better, no matter how bad it currently is, you will find a resolve and you will be happy again ❤️

 

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